I've managed to make myself miserable over it. I'm so nervous that the old pumper is going over a mile a minute. I love him, I'll always love him. No two people can be as close as we have been for nearly five years without having love for each other. It is romance I want! I wish I could be as cold and practical about it as John is, believing that any two congenial people can marry and be reasonably happy together.
Mary had a very nice party which I enjoyed. I've told her that I'll probably never marry John - and she seemed very much surprised and rather sorry.
I've managed to make myself miserable over it. I'm so nervous that the old pumper is going over a mile a minute. I love him, I'll always love him. No two people can be as close as we have been for nearly five years without having love for each other. It is romance I want! I wish I could be as cold and practical about it as John is, believing that any two congenial people can marry and be reasonably happy together.
0 Comments
John called tonight to ask if I have reached a decision.
I suppose I have. What is there to do but to go places and do things with other people. He refuses to make me feel as if I am wanted or needed. Perhaps I expect too much but I'll no longer coax for love. He has given me everything expect the little attentions and affections that every girl's heart wants from the man she loves. I have managed to get myself in an uncomfortable position. Mr. D. has taken me for several rides at noontime and almost always brings me home in the evening from the office. I thought it was very generous of him but now I'm beginning to wonder! Being my boss it is difficult to say no when he asks to bring me home - especially since he comes my way!
The fool! He is a married man - what does he think I am! Wants to know why I don't sit close to him. He is beginning to annoy me. What can I do? I heard today through a third party that Mr. Sexton would be more than glad to take me "places" but he "knows" I won't go with him. I wonder what I would do if he were to ask me? I've been afraid to admire him because I know he will step out of my life as he stepped into it. He is on a different plane - entirely out of my reach. I haven't seen John for two days and somehow I miss him terribly. I want to tell him I love and need him - but dare not. Too proud! I am trying to make up my mind but I simply can't.
Perhaps if I really do go out with Tom and Ralph John might fear losing me and might tell me he loves me and wants me. Yes, John, there is such a thing as insincere affection but if you love me affection on your part would not be insincere. I've reached the end of the rope and am afraid to let go - so I've tied a knot and am hanging on. John asks me not to say good-bye but doesn't say he wants me - he wants a home and a wife but why does he want me? I've tried to say good-bye so many times before! He must be laughing at me. I don't blame him - It is amusing! It is he who has kept us together. Undecided -
I bravely called to say good-bye this morning and he persuaded me to have dinner with him in town. I've weighed the subject rather carefully and still don't know what to do. John thinks if we were married we would both feel better - w'ed have a common interest. A five year courtship is too long. Our ideas on love are quite different. Yes-no, yes-no, yes-no. I'm in love with love. I'm afraid to give him up for fear I shall never find love again - with him I at least have a little hope that some day he will really need me - really want me more than anything else in the world. I detest and despise him. I never want to see him again.
Another day without a ray of hope or love except that he did come here and stayed for about an hour. He is ill, after a day at the shore with three other boys. I'm always glad for him to have the companionship of other young men - but it does not seem to cheer him any.
To believe that our beautiful youthful love has ended, leaves one with an "all gone" feeling. Why should I think my life is over if love steps out of it! There are other things in life including gaiety and fun. Fun fun!!! It is after twelve o'clock but even so I'm quite wide awake and excited. I've wanted so much to go to the Mask and Wig show and it has almost materialized. John refuses to go and has bet me the price of a ticket that I can't find a young man, other than my brother, who will take me. Consequently, to win the bet I may go without being unfair to John, I can prove to him that there are people in the world willing to take me places and the best of it is that John has to pay my fare! I shall buy a new evening dress and slippers. It will cost me plenty - but it is worth it to re-win John. All I have to do now is find the man!!!!!!!!!
I'm dead tired. It seems that I've been on the go this week - doing nothing of interest or importance.
Dinner at John's home, and then to the bank, the library, and the movies. John never pays one scrap of attention to me when I am in his home. A convenient way of saving him the trouble of coming to see me! I want to see "Mask and Wig" but John won't take me. Says he can't afford it but he can always afford to do the things he wants to do. I have not nagged him. It makes me feel dead tired to shop - though I didn't buy a thing.
John is still very cold and indifferent to me. But I can stick it out as long as he can. It is not my duty to advance affection and I am not going to do it! I have explained to him I need it. I have coaxed and begged - but I shall never do it again. I think I have been successful in being cheerful without appearing to force it. I have stopped feeling sorry for myself and am rather happy. Mr. D. took me for a long beautiful ride today. I thrive in his insincere flattery! I love it. |
ContextThis is the journal of Virginia Lee Scott, my grandmother, written when she was seventeen and first dating my grandfather, John Arnold Wilson. It's a dairy published by Media Drug Stores and includes space for two entries per day, with facts about the era printed at the bottom, which I have included in italics. Following, 1928, is the journal of John Arnold Wilson, my grandfather, at age nineteen and in love with my grandmother, followed by my grandmother's journal in 1931. Archives
April 2018
Categories |