A long, lazy, lonely day so different from last Sunday. 

Years and years from now if I should be married to someone, anyone, I wonder if I will dream of John and even  hope to see him, and trust that he will be mine again.

What does the future hold for me? If I should ever marry it will be for love of money; a meal ticket. I've tried for love - it doesn't work. I'll try the other - money. 

Mr. D. paid the license fee when he sent for the learner's permit and won't let me return it.

"Either we are very slow workers, ultra-conservative, or we don't yet know quite how we stand with each other." I think it is rather ultra-practicality. To be riding here, there, and the where with a man who is married and my boss - is not wise. He is being very kind to me. I wonder what he expects in return?

I am an admirer or platonic friendships. When I find a friend in a man I like to keep the relationship on that basis but it is almost impossible. They never do a woman a favor without expecting some kind of payment. I hope I am not prude. It is bad enough to lose a beautiful love but it would be worse to have an "affair" with a married man. Fun is fun and I"ll take my fun where I can get it but men don't know where to stop. I wish I were a girl again: when I think of myself a woman it frightens me. I am a coward about life and loving. 

 Big moments in little lives. Mr. D. has sent for my learner's permit. 

So Mother has been to Mrs. Wilson. They have talked it over. What does it profit them or us? What can anybody do now? 

There is forever a question to decide. If other boys know that he still come around they will steer clear. To have others I must not have him, ever! Which? Be he has not asked to come.

I hold nothing against him. If he no longer loves me he is right in telling me so. If he is trying to give me other "opportunities" - so much the finer gentleman is he - and if it is the result of unfortunate circumstances he is not to blame. I shall never trust myself to love again. I shall always be afraid to. 

Dinner and the evening with Cousin Flo and Virginia Bates. One evening a year or two ago Virginia, Earle, John and I were together - I took very little part in the conversation to which fact John called my attention when we were alone. I felt very inferior. I've hated myself for being so stupid I couldn't say more.

Tonight Virginia told me that the first time she met John, which was that very night, he impressed her as being intellectually conceited! I wonder who made the worse impression?

If his brain were what he thinks it is he would more more than he is now.

Mr. D. is teaching me to drive.

Virginia is going to teach me to swim.

Don wants to teach me to horseback ride.

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Today I had another driving lesson. I actually sat back of the wheel. Started, drove and stopped the car. It is great fun. 

It is odd how things work out. By breaking my heel yesterday I acquired a date for some evening next week. Walt called me and claimed it was "news" when I told him of John but, of course, Pete told him yesterday. He has not called for three years - why should he call now. I don't like to tell people but I'm forced into it when they ask about him. It makes me feel that I'm accusing him. Having lost all love for me it was the gentlemanly thing to do to tell me and I love him all the more for being honest and frank. 

Mary had luncheon with me today. She was in Washington last week. 

The heel broke off my slipper and I had to take it back and have it repaired. Met Pete Cummings and told him about John and me. "It can't be." 

Elizabeth called this evening and asked after John. I had to tell her the truth! It is not comfortable to talk about it but she will know sooner or later so why not now.

Poor Elizabeth. She was literally dumbfounded. Could not speak a word. "I thought there was nothing as permanent as that." 

Nor I Elizabeth!

Bessie called me, too. A card, a letter, and a telephone call. She cares more than my sister does. She had hoped to gain a sister. 

There are many things in my short weekend trip that impressed. Such a happy-go-lucky crowd. They helped to take me out of myself and make me forget but now that I am at home I can't help thinking of the things that I tried not to think of there. 

Evelyn's life is ideal - she has a good husband, a darling child, a sweet comfortable new home, and lots of friends. She herself is so sweet. 

Maxwell's life is entirely without affection. Everybody likes him but nobody wants him because he is such a torment. He absolutely worships little Bill - probably because little Bill is the only person who really loves and trusts him and worships him. 

Bessie's letter makes me feel that I am loved even if it isn't by John. She really wants me for a sister.