You are not a disappointment.
“Do not try to save the whole world or do anything grandiose. Instead, create a clearing in the dense forest of your life.” Martha Postlewaite
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Today, no matter what uncomfortable feeling, thought, or fear arrives, instead of judging it or obsessing over it, hold it in gentle kindness: know it is embraced by Love, which is far bigger than you. This Love does not judge you and is not disappointed in you.
You are not a disappointment. “Do not try to save the whole world or do anything grandiose. Instead, create a clearing in the dense forest of your life.” Martha Postlewaite
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As I was waking from sleep this morning, I heard these words being spoken to me: soften your intensity.
As a world, we are experiencing an intense time - and my tendency is to respond with my own intensity. I want to plan. I want to exert a lot of energy. I have opinions. And reactions. I want to fix. I want to contribute. I have big emotions. I wear myself out. Today, I will consciously soften that intensity - soften the edges of my opinions and reactions, move a little more slowly, expect a little less of myself each day. From this softening, real insights about our best actions - or non-actions - will come. The voice of self-criticism can seep in even when we are in shelter-in-place. The “shoulds” can be hard to catch because they often come in feelings and images rather than words. We should have cleaned out our closets by now. We should have called everyone we know to check on them. We should have a schedule, a meditation practice in place. We should have started a creative project. We should have found a way to meet those who may be suffering more than we are. We should not have difficult moods. If we are parents of school-aged children, we should have created for our children regular routine and a plethora of enriching activities and we should be infinitely patient.
Those “shoulds,” accompanied by a sense of shame and failure, actually don’t help us be our best selves. They seize up our minds and bodies. They stop us from listening to the true need of the moment, which might be different from our assumptions. Today, loosen the shoulds. Accept how much you don’t know. Send yourself an abundance of loving-kindness. Be extraordinarily patient with yourself. Today, care for yourself. This does not mean giving yourself what you think you want but what you most need. Think of the toddler, up late, stumbling with weariness and insisting she doesn’t want to go to bed - or full of sugar and demanding more cake.
You have to give that toddler what she really needs, not what she is arguing for. Today, ask yourself what you really need (rest, movement, connection, healthy food, some kindness directed toward yourself, etc.) Because toddlers don’t know better, we don’t get mad at them for not understanding what they really need. We also don’t give in to their tantrums or arguments. We gently and firmly do what’s right. It’s easy at this strange time in our country to want first to help other people, but taking proper care of ourselves - physically, emotionally, etc. - will helps give us discernment and wisdom in our care for others. Today, when I awoke, I heard a sentence blasting over all my busy morning thoughts - confident and clear: “You are not in control.”
(Of course, there are times when I receive an opposite message - that I need to accept my authority, claim my choices.) But today, in the face of so much strange uncertainty around world, I need to let go of managing my fear and uncertainty through my old familiar ways - those strategies (which often look helpful on the surface) to make myself feel competent, productive, useful, and needed. To create a sense of order and safety. Today, I feel the Divine Presence in control. Today, I ask myself to notice if I am trying to regain a sense of stability through mere human activity. Today, I trust others, those in charge, supported by their own connection to the divine, to do their work well. Some of us manage our anxiety by desiring to be of use. We see all the needs in the world and feel a tug to meet them. But we take on too much, mentally, and sometimes freeze in the face of the enormity of the suffering.
Today, know that it is not your responsibility to meet every need - although you can send out love and support to those doing their own fine work. Know that your own life, your own “sphere of influence” offers you plenty of opportunities to provide care and ease suffering in large and small ways. Trust that attending with integrity to the demands of your own life and community - or following inspired, not guilt or fear-driven, opportunities to widen your sphere - is enough. Know also that being of help does not need to cause you suffering to be of value. Know also that you are part of creation in need of support and treat your own needs with the same quality of kindness and attentiveness you would give to another. In the book of Exodus, Moses tells a frightened people, “Fear ye not, stand still.”
Today, feel the active power of Love that rests in stillness. Feel the presence of that Love with you in this moment. And this moment. And this moment. “The whole earth is at rest and is quiet” (Isaiah). In this time of reduced activity around the world, pause to come in touch with your spiritual center. Remember your deepest values.
This is a fearful time. A gift of that anxiety is that we can see more clearly what is most important. And our world is in need of non-judgemental kindness.
Today, focus on gestures, words, and thoughts of kindness to yourself, to those you love, to acquaintances and strangers. Meet fear with love. Love is a powerful force. Trust what you already know. Spirit has made you and written the answers in your being. Know that you know. Listen for what you know. Dismiss the voices of resistance that don’t like the answers or are attracted to distraction, complexity and confusion.
Know, too, that you are forgiven. You are embraced in Love who absorbs what is difficult or unrefined in you and transforms. Yield to this hug of forgiveness. |
AuthorTarn Wilson is the author of the memoir The Slow Farm and numerous essays. You may read more of her work at tarnwilson.com. Archives
September 2020
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